from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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