I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i out mim tonsoeep
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