I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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