I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
