He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
