I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
