fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize