All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
