I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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