I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
