please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
