break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
