Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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