oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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