But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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