need another drink. this is the easiest way
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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