i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize