What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I want a musical about memes.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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