You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize