Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
