Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
