Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
