i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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