I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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