I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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