i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
