apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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