You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
