he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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