i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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