HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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