I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
