Umm I'm too high to move.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
