i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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