I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize