1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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