the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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