I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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