So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
