we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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