yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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