I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
