Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
