All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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