This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
