I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
