We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
