girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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