Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize