Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
