My liver just broke up with me...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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