Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
