I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
