I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
