I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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