Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize