i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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