Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
