I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
