he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
