You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
