found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
