I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
