my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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