New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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