WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
